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This is the email that I sent everyone.
Everyone, I just wanted to let the ones that know me and my family that my only child Joshua died this morning. This has been the most devestating day of my life. He'd been born with a rare liver disease and for much of his life was healthy until puberty. Then there were problems. But he managed to make it through high school and was so proud he'd done it. He began a electrical class this past fall and loved it. He really was looking forward to the future. I found him about 9 am and he was still warm. But his heart wasn't beating. I've had a hard time praying. I was told I'd go blind at age nine but not until my 40's or 50's. I was only 18 and a senior in high school when I lost my sight. Then I got married and had my beautiful son one year to the day before our anniversary. He was diagnosed with the liver disease at nine months. he was so gentle and loving and hated to see anyone hurt. He was teased all through school because of his disease, which made him heavy. My heart ached all through school because of the teasing. But in high school the kids matured and he became quite popular. He started an electrical school last fall and loved it. He was so proud that he was getting a degree. But I've lost my baby forever. I'm told we won't know what caused his death for several months. Two years ago I was diagnosed with a deadly form of brain cancer. The reason I fought so hard was Joshua. He needed me, I couldn't die. He often tells me his terrified my cancer would come back and he was afraid of losing me. Now I lost him. I am asking for prayers. Right now I feel angry with God. It seems I've had more than most people ever in a lifetime. I do feel this is my final straw though. I've never hurt so deeply. Please pray for us.
By Rebecca Conrad
April 24, 2009
Today is the 75th day since I’ve lost my precious son. Will this wrenching pain ever let up? I can’t imagine. I pray that I can find peace and am able to be with my son soon. It’s strange being without him. He’s never been away from me more than a couple nights. Can a heart ache forever? Yes, I know it can. Josh I love you more than you’ll ever know my baby. Or maybe you do know. I’m so sorry the last few years were so bad. I guess our family fell apart. Now there is no more family with you gone. You were our center. Our precious gift, taken so softly and peacefully in your sleep. I love you my special child.
Mom's Day?
I've always taken this day for granted until May 2007. I was just finishing up chemo therapy for brain cancer. You were so happy I was still here that you bought me a new pond and a beautiful pink braided hibiscus. You proudly filled the pond with water and as soon as the little waterfall tinkled merrily you took my hand and led me to the pool. “Can you hear it Mom? Here feel.” You said as you guided my fingers to the water. I'll never forget your pride at making me happy. We hadn’t known if I’d make it till Mother’s Day.
Now it's 2009 and my first Mom's day alone in twenty years. Even though your official twentith birthday isn't until September 30, it was in May when I first felt you move inside of me. I wasn’t sure it was really you but it was soft and sweet like butterfly wings.
You've been gone for three months. Or has it been thirty months? It feels a life time ago. I miss you each second of the day. You visit me in my dreams again like a butterfly. I can only remember the lightest touch. I know your were there but only briefly.
I still can’t believe you’re really gone. I can’t believe I’ll never hear, “Mommy” ever again? I’ll never hear your giggles or the smile that was in your voice. I listen and pray for a sign. I just don’t know how I’ll go on.
No one’s the same, my son. You lighted so many lives. But now mine is the dimmest. My blindness doesn’t compare to the darkness I live in. All the happiness I ever had died with you that Monday morning.
I have only regrets, guilt and rivers of tears. I would have never believed a person could cry so many. I’ve searched for answers. But the “why” gives me only silence.
If we’d only had the chance to say goodbye, I’d ask for one more hug and kiss. I love you more than life itself. I live now for the day we are together again.
May 18th, 2009
Today Josh, it’s been 14 weeks, 94 days since you breathed. Yesterday I cried all day. Today was a little easier but you are on my mind every second of every day. The only thing that comforts me is the songs you loved so much. We played them at your funeral and I listen to them once a day, sometimes twice a day, sometimes more.
I realized the night of your funeral, while the songs played, that they all were about death in one way or another. I’m so mixed up. The different views on what happens after death tears me in two. What I’d give for the sound of your giggles or the “Mom I feel so bad.”
How many times I heard you say, "I’ll never live long." I would automatically come back with, “Josh, you don’t know that.” Deep inside was I in denial as I watched you get sicker and sicker? Yes, of course. I never wanted to lose the only person in this world who showed me unconditional love. I’d always felt an abandonment all my life until I held you for the first time. Your velvety sweet warmth made my heart soar. I finally found the true meaning of love. You trusted me to take care of you. And I gave you 19 years of trying.
But in the end, when I found you that Monday morning in February, my world shattered into a million pieces. I’ve been told over and over I will feel less pain in time but I don’t believe a word of it. My heart hurts continuously, never a peaceful moment. No my love, the pain will never ease. I never shared such a love with anyone before until you came along. I truly believed I’d have you forever. Your first high school graduation anniversary is coming up and I doubt I’ll get out of bed that day. The memories of your pride and all our pride for you was so great that now it is only another memory to cause hurt. I love you my son, and am only waiting until I see you again. Every day I make it through is a step closer to that glorious day. I love you Joshua, my precious son. Love, Mom
May 23rd, 2009
Remember where we were at one year ago this eveing? It was the proudest day of my life. The senior class of 08 was graduating. Everyone was there cheering you on. All grandparents, Aunt Lisa and your one and only favorite cousin Tyler were watching proudly while you marched into thea mpithearter and took your seat. My heart soared when I heard”Joshua Adam Conrad.” I imagine my now grown up 18 year old accomplishing his and mine dream. You made it!! I never dream one year later you’d be gone. How could this be? It’s not right. I still should be able to touch, smell, and hear your gentle voice. Oh why, did you go?
June 1st, 2009
I graduated from high school 29 years ago today. And Josh you dididn’t even get to celebrate your first anniversary. I love you and miss you so much. I feel you in the sunshine and the cool breeze. It seems like I’m accompanied by a blue butterfly where ever I go. Is this you my love? You’ve been gone 113 days and the pain is still there every day. We all love you and miss you so much.
June 3rd, 2009
I've felt somewhat at peace about you of late. Last week I woke from a dream and knew you had been there but couldn't remember details. But peace was finally with me. But today I can feel the sadness creeping back in. Monday the 8th would have been your last day at electrical school. I hope I can make it through this weekend. I will always love you.
June 5th, 2009
I've thought of nothing but missing you today. I did nothing but sit and think and remember. I wished for the impossible, to have you back. But not the old you but the healthy one that I believe you are now. I feel I live in a fog and am here just waiting for my time to be with you. I can't stop thinking about you and Monday. How proud you'd be. Love you my son.
July 26th, 2009
I can’t believe it’s almost the end of July. The fourth was so hard without you. Well, there’s never a day that’s not hard without you. I’ve cried a river of tears but sometimes feel I could that much and more. You were my boy. The one I yearned for but taken so sudden and now… the real missing you has begun. I thought losing you couldn’t hurt more than missing you. But in a way it’s an awful heartache, that never stops. Sometimes it squeezes and I feel like I can’t breath. What is the next step of this horrible journey they call healing? I woke up at five o’clock this morning and guess what was the first thing that went through my mind? I’ve got to give Josh his cornstarch. I’d not done that for months. I must have been dreaming about you. I love you forever.
Journey - August 5, 2009
Four years ago today my Aunt Sue died. She was my mom's sister and like my second mom. I loved her dearly. Now, I think about Joshua being with her and my grandma. This thought is comforting. I went over your website today Josh and read all that had posted about you. I cried and wonder why you couldn't left longer. Just a little. Jeff was here Friday and tried to help me with my computer and he said he'll write on you site soon. And then your very best buddy, Kenny was here yesterday. I was half asleep on the couch and he for moment surprised me. I thought it was you. So after he left needless to say I had a good cry over mising you.
August 8, 2009
For some reason I felt so down yesterday. Joshua, I first thought it was your friends stopping in but I just couldn’t shake it. Last evening my Aunt Sue’s husband died. She died four years ago on the 5th, and he died on the 7th, four years after her. I cried some but thought, wow, now Josh has his buddy with him. You and Uncle Dave loved each other and I hope have met up in Heaven. Who will be next? I love you very much Joshua.
August 11, 2009
I woke missing you so much this morning. I’ve slept in your comfy bed now for three nights. It made me feel so close to you. Sunday made six months since you went away. Yesterday made 26 weeks and today is 183 days since you’ve gone. I feel at peace for a short time and then I have these days when I can’t stop thinking of you not being here any more. No more kisses, hugs or I love yous. I still say them everyday but I just hear silence. I’ve never hurt so deep and completely like I do these days. I can never imagine anything to ever get better. All I look for is the day when I hope soon I’m with you.
August 17, 2009
I don't understand why my grief seems to keep get worse. Occasionally I even find myself thinking about a future. But a future without you? How could this unbelievable thing ever happen? I died the day you did. Blindness has never gotten me down more. I always just accepted and went on. I raised a beautiful, kind and considerate young man whom I'm so proud. But now I can't touch, hear or smell you any more. I haven't my best buddy to take me places I like to go any more. I sit here alone without you and I just can't imagine a future. You were my future. I can't pray. I'm so angry for all the horrible things that has been handed me. I hope everyone keeps praying for me because right now I just can't find the words. I love you Joshua.
~Mom
August 26, 2009
School officially started today. How the memories of past school days with you swirled in my mind. Then last year there wasn’t much school shopping, you were going to electrical school and didn’t need much. I’m dreading September. It’s the symbol of you. September 30 was when I had my precious baby boy and became the mom I so wanted to be. I just don’t know how I’ll make it through your first birthday without you.
~Mom
September 1, 2009
Dad and I went to our first compassionate meeting. It was good to meet others who hurt just like us. There were lots of teats and so many sad hearts. I took some of your pictures and the story I wrote about you for the alivealone newsletter. Your dad read it out loud for everyone. His voice broke half way thorough but he did a great job. They’re having a picnic September 27 and want us all to come. We’ll let off balloons and walk in memory of our kids. I plan on going but it will be so close to your birthday I don’t know how I will feel. I’m already feeling devastated once again.
September 6, 2009
I’m working on the poem we’re putting in the paper in honor of your birthday. It’s the most painful thing I ever wrote. Words can never describe how much I love you and miss you. I got a job and any other time it would have thrilled me. But the only thing I can think of now is I have no boy to spend money on. I hate Labor Day weekend. I was in the hospital with you twenty years ago with toxemia. It’s so hard to believe I was so anxiously waiting your birth. Now twenty years later I’m wish I was dreaming about your loss. If I could only wake up to find you alive and still with me, I’d give anything.
September 13, 2009
Today makes 215 days since you’ve been gone. You’re birthday will be soon and my heart aches like it was yesterday. I can’t even really remember the last seven months. I’ve never been away from you for more than a few days. This weekend was the GSD conference. I wish you were here still healthy to go. You loved both times we went. You were sixteen when we went last. Oh how I wish it was four years ago. Our lives were still intact and we were a whole family.
Joshua's 20th Birthday ~ September 30, 2009
I can't believe I'm sitting here alone on your birthday. Now your dad has gone. Please always know I love you and my heart still breaks every day. Happy Birthday Joshua.
October 18, 2009
I'm sorry I haven't written for a while. At this moment I'm living my life one day at a time. My whole world has been shredded. I've never missed you more Joshua. It physically caused pain to think of you. Oh why my baby did you have to go? And your dad? I'm so alone. Your buddies are coming over next weekend for your belated birthday and they are going to help clean the yard up. It will be good to see them but it hurts too. You should be here with me.
~Love, Mom
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